khairiya !

:(

2012-02-15T18:08:00.000+12:00

What to love and when to let go?

Do you remember all those rain and fire you have walked through, when you doubt you could make it but still you survived somehow? You let the debris and stone hit you hard because you thought it would only make you stronger. You endure the highs and lows life has to offer, just to get a taste of pleasure. But you suffer more instead. So, till when are we going to let these supernatural control us?

I have managed to keep myself stay corrected all this while. I can barely remember when the last time something pissed me off was. I was a calm lady. But yesterday, my last string snapped. I was in fume. Once you ignite me, nothing can kill those flames. Honestly, how could someone be so heartless? His actions don’t match his real age. He is inhuman, the most inhuman person I ever met.

For once, an innocent girl like me felt like killing was the only option. Stabbing someone with a dagger would lead to satisfaction. I hate having to fight with someone unreasonable. When I don’t speak up and just go with the flow, people say I don’t have a mind of my own and is being too dependable on others. When I start making my own decision and reasoning out, people start saying that I am trying to take control and be superior.

I bet you are now going to tell me off and say not to mind about what others have got to say about me. But think for a bit, when you are being judged, there is no way you can just keep still and not fight for your rights. I did just as so even though I know things might get worse. Why, why does something stupid like this have to happen when your life was just going on fine? Fuck all this bullshit. I am going to make it, through all of this, just like I always do in the past.

Alone.

holla C:

2012-02-02T01:00:00.000+12:00

I AM SO READY FOR SCHOOL BREAK! ARE YOU?
Khairiya xx

2012-01-23T14:46:00.000+12:00

Before I met you, I wondered why all the lyrics in love songs were so exaggerated. Why do lyricists create such mushy and over-emotional sentences? Why can’t they just write a good melody without those melodramatic lyrics, which only I find is plain exaggeration? Before I fell in love with you, I thought romance novels were just so silly: Why would a person cry for another person for hours? How could a person wait for his or her lover for years? That is plain silliness. Before we became a couple, I thought romance movies were just so stupid. How could a person love another person so deeply that it became an obsession? How could one sacrifice so much, even to the extent of his or her own life, for his or her lover? Once again, only I find it plain stupidity.

When I realized I had fallen so deeply in love with you, I finally understood that songs, novels and movies are just reflections of life, inspired by the writer’s true stories. Then I realized our story mirrors a love song that I once heard, a romance novel I once read and a romance movie we once watched. Some things should be seen with your hearts and not only your eyes. It takes more than your sight to be able to see things clearly or rather what, a clear entire picture. I love you.

Khairiya xx

CNY

2012-01-21T23:27:00.000+12:00

I miss blogging in words instead of video. I will be doing a post soon, perhaps with pictures too. So wait up for it. Oh and Happy Chinese New Year :)

Khairiya xx

hello

2012-01-14T00:15:00.000+12:00

DO YOU MISS ME? HEHEHEHE :)

Khairiya xx

2012

2012-01-05T23:37:00.001+12:00

Hello, is anyone there? Hehe. First and foremost, HAPPY 2012 to everyone. May you have a healthy and fruitful year. I am going to start it well by posting 2 videos today. One would be me blabbering nonsense as always, while the other would be a firework video I experienced at Johor Mont Callista. This is it for now. See you soon!

Khairiya xx

vloggy

2011-12-22T14:17:00.001+12:00

Hi sweethearts! You all asked for it, me blabbering nonsense for 10 minutes. Hehehe. Happy weekends! :)

Khairiya xx

school is out!

2011-12-16T17:18:00.001+12:00

Hi barbie dolls! School is officially out and I have two weeks break! :D

- Gonna sleepover with cousins at Granny's villa
- Gonna head for my short getaway trip with Aidil's family
- Gonna splurge on food and shopping
- Gonna party!
- Gonna just enjoy myself because I fucking deserve this

Mwehehehe. Till I see all of you again. Take care!

Khairiya xx

despise

2011-12-02T15:30:00.001+12:00

He is never once proud of me. I think that is why he is never happy. He never value what he have and what was given. He threw it all out of his mind, even me. He is the reason why I despise getting close to any man whom will succeed in making me feel good about myself at the end of the day. I hold a different concept in life. Whatever that I possess now, honestly, whatever keeps me happy is by making the best out of them. They might not be something I expect and really yearn for, but maybe if we sum it all up together, it can create an amazing view. Right now my view is spectacular.

On a brighter note, the best way to detach yourself from the people who deliberately trigger anger in every drop of blood that are flowing in your veins is to enjoy your whole time with someone special. Well, I am very lucky that I have someone to depend on and distract me from the crazy mess back there. Thank you A :)

Khairiya xx

surprise! hehehe.

2011-11-28T02:25:00.000+12:00

Khairiya xx

human nature

2011-11-22T15:13:00.000+12:00

Humans, they are the funniest creatures on Earth, aren’t they?

Sometimes, I think I tried so hard to understand how life works. Why certain humans behave in a particular way? But I discovered that the more I get deeper into curiosity, the more I face confusion. I guess these things are never something we should try to entangle. At the end of the day, all we ought to do is gather our strength and fucking deal with it. Either that or just endure with everything humanity has for you. People spit crap about you to make you feel that there is nothing left of you, but you can’t let them win allowing them to make you fall.

Khairiya xx

closer

2011-11-01T13:29:00.000+12:00

Hi cupcakes! Just a quick update for all of you, finally. Hehe. Similar with other people, I have been busy managing my own life here and there. Let us start off with family. Things under one roof have been great. All of us have been spending time together for short trips, dinner and movie nights. I have always loved bonding time, even if it is going to last for a few minutes. It is a whole minute well spent :) School has been great too, better than last semester I can say. I am adapting well with new friends, new modules and new projects. Well at least for now I am. God only knows when I will crumble. Haha.

As for my social life, let me just say that I am keeping them to the most minimal ever. I haven’t been mixing with the crowd that much now and then. In fact, many said that I am a good girl now. Are they kidding me? Haha. Love life, don't even bother to begin with it. I have zero love for boys right now! Oh and recently I celebrated @emysupervain’s birthday with a few bunch of old and new friends. It was a blast I tell you! I am not going to elaborate much though. I rather let all these pictures do the talking. Hehe. Okay, so enjoy them for now! Till I hear from all of you again, hang on for you life! :)

Khairiya xx

mind over matter

2011-10-29T22:48:00.000+12:00

Thoughts are merely thoughts if it is deep inside the heart. Then it turns into an obsession, obsess of loving someone, obsess of needing someone. You could never run away from it, at the end of the day it will only out run you and your perception of love. Maybe you have dreamt about that someone and you could only reach so far to touch them and change something that was never there, to just show that how things will work out if we just give it a risk. You could only try so hard but if passion belongs to someone else and it strained you to let go, then memory will swell when fate touched and was written for us. It doesn't mean love have given up on you. It means something inside have change. For once you could be free, free of anyone and most importantly, free of your own self. So escape and escape till you couldn't be found and wait for love.

Khairiya xx

sucker for gadgets

2011-10-23T18:05:00.001+12:00

So social media screwed half of my life up. Who would have thought that nosey people still exist nowadays? Like why would you care about something that don’t even matter or doesn’t even involve you in the first place? It isn’t like I was seeking for attention but people just never fail to give them to me. With an open arms, I let fame in. Who could ever resist? And who knew that just one question could blow up ties among friends? Who knew that people could misunderstood about you and a guy friend? And when you try to clear the air, don't bother because they don't care and will stick to their grounds.

Secondly, laptop have been disappointing me too. Once in a while, I can’t even login to my account! Why baby, why are you doing this to me? You know, I need you for school, projects and my daily online shows! To make it worse, I forgot my I-phone password yesterday. I KNOW RIGHT! I tried countless of time but I just can’t seem to remember what it was. Hais. But luckily, brother is a genius. He came to my rescue and saved the day. Let me tell you, it was hell not being able to read my messages and whatsapp when they kept on coming in through the night! It was that bad okay? :(

Okay honestly, communication is a major tool of living in my life! My social media applications and gadgets are my life. So thank you for being too dependent on technology, I could no longer kid anyone that I can survive without it. This sucks right? Boo! On a brighter note, it is another start of a whole new week tomorrow. Are you guys ready? Let’s do this together, one step at a time with a smile :) I love all of you! Mwahs.

Khairiya xx

hi!

2011-10-16T21:32:00.000+12:00

It is hard to keep up with me now. Sorry.
Khairiya xx

3 in the morning!

2011-10-10T06:57:00.002+12:00

The only reason I am blogging right now would be because I am wide awake and there is nothing else I can do! :( The worse thing is I have class at 8am later. Yes you heard me right, it is back to school again. So I had my first day on Friday and it went great. I am lucky to be in the same class as @anafarhanah09 @nadyalee @ahfarawrrr @SyarahCheesy @builtwithawesome! Class wouldn't get any boring with them around. The only thing that spoilt my Friday was the rain! It was a monsoon okay?!!

So after school, I made my way to Little India with girlfriends. The plan was to survey for sari and also grabbed chappati and masala. Hehe. Definitely isn't a place that I would enjoy because I was terrified of their little dark alley! Ahhhh, screams for help :( Oh I also met @khairiduffel too. We chatted our Friday night away, filling in each other. My boy has grown up to be a man now. Awww.

And finally, weekends. Got to say my weekends are better this week. I got to spent quality time with Mum and Granny. I also got a quiet time by myself. And lastly a photoshoot after so long. Life would be just great if it remains as how it is right now. Oh well. How was all of your days anyway? :) To end this, here I am wishing all of you a great new week filled with fun and laughter.

Khairiya xx.

thespectrumshop!

2011-10-05T17:40:00.002+12:00

Have you heard of The Spectrum Shop? The Spectrum Shop is an online cosmetics shop that aims to bring everyone closer to the makeup world and beauty products. The Spectrum Shop prioritize their valued customers. Don’t believe me? Here are some proves:

1. Email your enquiries
Fret not, you can always rely on them to clear your doubts. Just email them and you will get a reply within 24 hours, no matter what week or days. [I have tried it and it really works!]

2. Fast shipping
After your payment is received, they will mail your packages fast. For normal mail, within a day and for registered mail, within 2 days. They also provide meet-up and cash payment! That is something not all online stores has.

3. Careful packaging
Your products will be bubble wrap and you will received them in perfect condition.

4. Damage insurance
Do not be disappointed with any of you damaged palettes. The team will share with you by a compensation up to $10 worth store credit.

5. SALES!
Who doesn’t love makeup at cheap prices right? You can get them here on holiday or special occasions.

6. Reward points
You will also be rewarded with points when you register and purchase their items. These points can be redeemed when you purchased their products in the future.

Want to hear my experience? I recently signed up as a member and had sent a few email enquiries. I was surprised when they replied immediately. Shows how reliable and diligent the whole team is. I confirmed my order and made my payment. I only had to wait for 2 days and I received my postage. Here it is!

10/10! As you all know, I only provide good and reliable recommendations to my fellow readers. I want all of you to benefit from my best experience. So what are you waiting for? Visit their site to enjoy these privileges as a member :D I am going to review on these products soon. Wait for it! See you :)

- http://www.thespectrumshop.com/index.php?main_page=about_us
- https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Spectrum-Shop/117246694361

run wild

2011-10-01T00:19:00.000+12:00

Teens and preteen years are the years where you will do most of your growing. So in order to grow into a healthy adult, you need the right nutrition and the right gear. I am very sure you have always heard, eat your veggies! But that saying is so yesterday. Now, I am telling you to spice up your diet. Want to hear my tips?

1. Support
In order to keep you motivated all the way, get supports from friends and families. You can definitely go through this alone but a few cheerleaders rooting for you won’t cause any harm you know.

2. Eating habits
Practice eating fruits and vegetable every day, at least one of each kind. Cut them into different shapes to make them look more appealing. You might just overcome its bitter taste! Trust me, it worked on me.

3. Exercise
Don’t laze around. Do jogs or push ups. You don’t have to spend your time in the gym. Just put on your favourite show (gossip girls, vampire diaries) and do simple exercise while on it. This is not stupid; it is called killing two birds with one stone. Hehe.

4. Painful, stop!
I admire your determination but don’t kill yourself. If you encounter a few pains, stop and take a rest. Be it your eating habits or exercise routine; don’t go to its extreme. You are just putting yourself in danger.

5. Changes
Did I say you can scratch being fit just because you are in pain? No, don’t give up! After encountering a few obstacles, make changes to your eating habits or exercise routine so that it fits your requirement and ability now.

6. Get accomplice
Why do it alone when you can be healthy in a group? Get your friends to join your campaign as well. You guys can go jogging or gym together. Couples do with your spouse and motivate them. Spread some love while you are at it. I call this healthy dating!

7. Go go go!
You might see improvement. Your stamina rise and your body are all toned up now. Remember, don’t stop. You can slow down but keep your pace up. Slowly climb the ladder up.

8. Reward
Once you achieve your goal, why not reward yourself. Go shopping, go for a movie or bowl with your family. You deserve it after putting every sweat on your work out. I am proud of all of you :D

Hey, here is an advice from a teen to a teen.
Khairiya xx

vlog

2011-09-29T16:00:00.000+12:00

Surprise surprise! :)
Khairiya xx

lightweight

2011-09-26T18:26:00.000+12:00

“Things are never normal in my world.”

Without any hesitation, my whole week has been a bummer. Let us put our egos aside, everyone has their own set of problems true? I shouldn’t a burden to anyone. So that explains all those angry rants on my twitter and blog. I guess if you are one of my followers, you would have noticed. All I can hear is war for now. My family is falling apart. My friendship is going through a high tide. And I am dead meat for school. I never once tried to be so perfect in life but neither do I want it to get this messy. Look, it has always been me picking other people up. But now, I am doing all of this for myself. I am selfish and all I want is for everyone to be happy. Seems like I am doing it wrongly. I need a change.

Good day sweethearts.
Khairiya xx

doll up

2011-09-22T01:33:00.003+12:00

Guess what my first random post for today would be?!!
ESSENTIAL MAKEUP FOR STARTERS! :)
I used to have this mindset where I get too lazy to do anything to my face. But soon I began to be self-conscious and would at least make an effort to cover up my pimple or scars. Makeups are just one of those aids that would boost your confidence and self-esteem. It is not a run away medium to hide from your ugly self. It just helps to make you look good and well-kept. But nevertheless, natural beauty is still the best. Don’t go too hard and heavy on your makeup! So what do beginners need? Here are the top 10 makeup products I need when I first begin.

1. Foundation
Pick out a foundation that is nearest to your skin tone. You should go either for a colour lighter or a colour darker. If you are confused in the different colours, ask for help from the professional. Remember that you are just starting out. You don’t have to put on too much foundation and make your face look cakey. Just concentrate on places where you see uneven skin tone or discoloration.

2. Concealer
The colour of your concealer should be similar to your foundation. Conceal your under eye circles or blemishes evenly. Do not put it too heavy on your pimple because it might cause irritation.

3. Translucent Powder
The colour of your powder will vary depending on your choice of foundation. If your foundation is a colour lighter than your skin, your powder should be a darker shade. It works the other way round too. If your foundation is a colour darker than your powder should be a lighter shade. A quick dust of powder will set all the makeup and controls shine.

4. Blush
There are 3 main colour for a blush; nude, pink and red. For a start, look out for a warm tone to add a pop of colour to the apples of your cheeks.

5. Neutral Eye Shadow
As a beginner, we should keep our eye shadow limit to neutral colours like beige, brown or taupe as an instant brightener when swiped all over the lid. We can slowly pick up and try on different daring colours once we get our control.

6. Eyeliner
There are 3 types of eyeliner; pencil, liquid and gel. As a beginner, we should work on the pencil first because it is easier to control as compared to the other 2. Line your eyes along your lashes to create a thin line that will define and enhance your eyes.

7. Mascara
Mascara can help you lengthen and volumes your lashes. It is the second step of defining your eyes.

8. Eyebrow pencil
To keep your brows need and in place, stroke a few lines of eyebrow pencil to fill in any gaps. Another alternative is to trim your brows regularly so that there would not be a need to draw your brows every single time. Saves money too!

9. Lipstick
For a start, stick to nude or light pink colours to come off as casual. A lip gloss or lip balm would work just as fine too.

10. A set of brushes
How would you apply all these if you do not have any brushes with you? Get some essential brushes like eye shadow brush, lip liner, fluffy powder brush and blush brush. Trust me, it would come in handy and your brush collection will grow in the future too!

I hope these information will help you in making the right choices when starting out. I know it might be hard at first but you will pick up the pace. Remember, if you need any help there is always youtube! There are a lot of tutorials for beginners that will teach you on easy everyday makeup look, very useful you know. Oh and remember, practice makes perfect. Don’t ever give up. I believe in all of you. If you have any enquiries, feel free to ask me at my formspring. I will be more than happy to help all of you. Meanwhile, check out one of my videos here for how I do my foundation routine for my personal everyday make up look!

I will see you girls soon :)
Khairiya xx

i shall not be lazy!

2011-09-21T01:45:00.003+12:00

I am so surprised that I still have readers right here :) Come to think of it, I rarely update this space and when I do, it would just be filled with piles of junkies. But still, thank you to all of you who remained with me till this day, be it old and new. I appreciate it so much, more than words can describe my feelings! So with that being said, I should really play my part and take responsibility to give all of you new post to read on often. And it should not always be about me or heartbreaks! It is getting pretty boring right? Hehe.

So here is what I have in mind, I would update on different practical things everyday like on my favourite makeup or foods or things I am eyeing for recently. Would that do? I am going to turn this space where people can just share their opinions and who knows, I might just quote you in one of my post :D Oh yes, you can drop me more suggestions in my formspring too. That would be great. I would work out on it soon. Wait, let us make it a post at least twice a week. I don’t think I can commit a post everyday just yet :/

But meanwhile, do you know I have a beauty channel at youtube? Haha. Check me out, http://www.youtube.com/catastropheXOXO! Do subscribe and give me your support there too. Here is one of the recent video I made:

Khairiya xx

boyf

2011-09-20T07:21:00.002+12:00

How did we end up this way? What exactly went wrong? Why didn't we work things out? Why did we gave up everything we worked hard for? Why were we so unforgiving? Were there any other solution than to just end it all? Why do you get all our friends to yourself while I have none? Why is everyone by your side when you need them while I have to go through everything alone? Its unfair how I have to stand up on my own two feet alone, while you have plenty of shoulders to lean on. You have every one of them while I have none. You said that we lost equally but no. I lost more. I lost my heart, my faith, my confidence, my smile and my friends. I am tired of all these feelings I have to conceal within myself. No one knew how much it hurts when I think of you. You are still fresh in my mind, like we just met yesterday. I miss you. And though I don't matter anymore in your eyes, I still want you to be part of my life everyday.

Most importantly, I never stopped loving you. Never. Not once. Not ever. Hold on to that please :(

Khairiya xx

iphone you rock!

2011-09-20T05:00:00.001+12:00

vulnerable.

2011-09-16T00:02:00.000+12:00

Sometimes, all you want is people to live with a heart. Though you are surrounded with hundreds of souls who know you by your name, they aren’t always there to guide you through. They won’t be holding your hands telling you that you won’t live a 100 years by yourself. You would want to wake up every morning and see this familiar face smiling upon you. You want to see this face once again, not only for today, but for tomorrow and forever. Dream big. But what if this dream kills you?

My hands are always being held by different people, telling me that they won’t let go. I believe. I had faith in them. I began to hold them close right by my heart. And when they have the whole of me, my precious gem was being crushed. My heart was shattered to pieces and I was gasping for air. Strangers fail me. Let alone the ones that are my closes. Basically, everyone starts from the bottom. But how many times are we going to make the same mistake, to realise it is not going to work out?

Today I woke up realizing how few people I have and I trust with all my heart. In fact, I only need 1 hand, a palm to count them. It struck me for a bit, is this the live I want? If I were to die young, will I only have these few people at my funeral? Will it only be them who remember me? What about the rest whom I called friend but weren’t always the ideal companion? Will they miss me? Most importantly, will I be any significant to anyone? Even to one person at least? It sucks, I am vulnerable.

hi all.

2011-09-15T02:42:00.001+12:00

To those who missed me, I am still breathing! Okay, I doubt if there is any :( But anyway, here is what all of you missed out on. Some of it though because I wanted to update but slightly lazy :/ My blog will keep on running as per normal soon, I hope. Hehe. Till then, hugs and kisses to all. Khairiya xx

giveaway

2011-09-08T16:00:00.002+12:00

Hi gorgeous. I am sorry for the lack of updates. I have been pretty busy with my uptight schedule, plenty of outings with friends and also Hari Raya celebrations. So first and foremost, I would like to take this opportunity to wish all my fellow Muslim friends a Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir & Batin :)

Anyway, I am here to blog about 2 giveaways which are being hosted by Sara. Yes, you heard me right 2 GIVEAWAYS and there will be 4 WINNERS! That would also mean you have a higher chance of winning. Excited as I am? Hehe :D So here are the two videos where Sara mentioned about the wonderful prizes that you can win or you can read the details here, http://s-chaeyoung.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-3rd-4th-blog-giveaway-yayyyy.html

3rd Giveaway

4th Giveaway

You can also find Sara at these links below –
Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/SMorticia
Blog: http://s-chaeyoung.blogspot.com

Come on everyone, what are you waiting for?
Let us all show her our support now!
All the best to other entries too :D

destroy what destroys you

2011-08-13T03:03:00.000+12:00

I have thrown myself into a deep pool and I am having the hardest time swimming back to its surface. I know it’s not a question of do or die anymore. I’ll definitely drown if I never help myself. I guess I need a little more luck, a little more help and a little more love. I’ll get by, I am sure of that. On a brighter note, I have bid farewell to school though not entirely since I have Financial Accounting test to sit for on the 22nd. But that is just a bit of revision left to do before I entirely ditched my notes and books. I am hoping for a better Semester 2 experience please. I feel guilty and remorseful for missing classes. Still am.

Time flies fast, it’s already 2nd week of fasting. Two more gruesome weeks of hunger and then Hari Raya! A lot of things to look forward to; family, money and foods, glorious goodies! As for preparation, everything is in its midst. The plan for tomorrow is to continue wherever I stopped at. Or should I say later since, time check 3 am! Haha. I am not planning to sleep any time soon because I just thought I should stay up till sahur. After which, I will probably get some shut eyes for 4 hours before my Saturday begins. Is there anything that I missed out? Oh, I hope all of you are doing fine as well ♥

Khairiya xx

sunrise

2011-08-03T14:08:00.000+12:00

Don’t we all wish people would start listening, start considering, start being less self-centred and selfish?

I am going to probably blabber about the same thing, about how things changes and I am the only one who can’t accept the god damn fact. I guess it runs in the blood. Mum has these habits too, living in her own world while everyone worries about every single thing on earth. I, on the other hand, always mind my own business and get things done my way. Obviously you see nothing wrong with it. Some even call it as being independent. But ponder on it for a bit, who wants to live life alone? Like really.

So yes, I have been managing and coping with things well with school, I suppose. My FYP 1 misery has ended. Now we are left with only presentation, which will be on Monday. Apart from that, I am left with a week of school and UT3 to face before welcoming the holidays with big wide spread of hands. I am not sure though if I will be heading out of country this time round. Plans seem to change every now and then. Most caught me unaware too, like they always do. Oh well, brace and chin up :(

Besides school, I am starting to fast as well. It has come to the 3rd day now and I am proud to say that I have strong will power for it. Not like my Primary or Secondary self, I am good at controlling my hunger this time round. Oh, I am still a little annoyed with crude words or rude comments. I have been getting them a lot in my formspring too. Sometimes I wished I could shove those words back in their mouth. Well, if they are humans, they would know that I have a heart and feelings too.

Oh and please pray I get to sign up for Pottermore soon! I am left with only 3 days :(
Haha. Till next time, xoxo.

efffwhaipeeee

2011-07-28T18:35:00.001+12:00

In effort to make my blog alive (as if there are readers still, oh well), I shall spare a few minutes to update it. These two weeks have been hectic, non-stop school assignments. You know what scares me most? DATELINES! It is like, by hook or by crook, you got to finish whatever you started with. And in order not to disappoint anyone or even yourself, you will do basically anything for it. Well at least if you are a perfectionist like me, you would. Hehe. So DATELINE IS ON MONDAY, 1ST AUGUST!

Damn you FYP! So here I go burning midnight oils, cutting down on food, avoiding the crowd and mug all day like a nerd. I am put to the test with all of these workloads. If that is not bad enough, we have already started on choosing topic for FYP 2 you know. Grr. Okay, look on the bright side, fasting period is nearing. I am looking forward to a good, fresh month of August. At least I get to save pennies right? Oh talking about money, where is my bursary at? I need to do some retail therapy :( Haha.

Oh, did you know it is kind of hard to see me smiling or laughing lately?
I dare you, MAKE ME SMILE AND LAUGH TILL I PEE, like genuinely! :)

fake shows

2011-07-21T18:11:00.000+12:00

Most of our life is a series of images. Different images consist of different people and different stories. They pass us by like towns on the highway, gives us security and thrill. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever. It might be a step too big. But bear this in mind; everything that happened is what builds us in the end.

At this very moment, I guess I am the only one not handling changes well. I can’t stop questioning myself. Why me? Why among all those people, who probably did worst and nasty thing, but why me? Everything is sudden, the pain and drift. I was barely prepared for this. I thought I could use a little more time to collect myself, every little piece of myself. But there it goes, waves hit me without warning and I need to face it instead of running away with the wind.

There is this part of me where no one would know about it. Like how things in my family runs or how big and strange my mind works. I don’t have any intention to share it with anyone either. It seems to be the only part of me that gives me comfort. It is the only thing that never left or fake right in front of me. My mind and family is the only genuine thing I have now and forever. And till death do us a part, I will always stand by them be it wrong or right, love or hate.

fuckyou

2011-07-11T15:21:00.001+12:00

How can you hate someone so much that you literally want to make them wish they were dead?
But at the same moment, you can imagine your life with them in the future too?

Who cares this post is reaching out to whom, I am just pouring out my burning heart-throbbing frustration, only pretending that you could understand English and analyze my every word. No, I am not angry. I am furious, very furious. The same exact feeling when you called me a slut, which is used to describe majority of your girl friends you are hanging out with. But excuse me, how am I compared to them? I am not saying I am a big somebody, but hello?

“They do not act like you.”

What are you trying to imply? Were you thinking straight or drunk like fuck once again? Well of course they do not act like me, not a single bit. They are just a bunch of monkeys sleeping around, using creepy words of affection on you so that they could present you with a blow job at the end of the day. I wouldn’t be surprised if you eventually stay with them. But the only reason you do so would be for your own satisfaction. Ponder on this, till when will you stay?

Your girl friends are hundred levels down from where I stand. Trust me, I mean well. However, have you ever wondered why am I still here, still minding what you say and anything about you at all? You know, I could just get you the fuck out of my life. I bet there are so many better boys out there, who really took the effort to impress me like a princess. And having you next to them is like placing a pile of dirt to a stack of billion dollars. You used to mean so much, not anymore.

Everyone knows how much words can hurt. Your strongest tool, I hope my words here, if you ever happen to see, could do better. I hope I had sharpened and bladed these weapon enough to put your heart on fire. I couldn’t care less about what you feel or what you think anymore because you never did about mine. Not even once. After so long, I never felt so certain about not wanting to have anything to do with you anymore. I shall hate you with all my life.

#2 vlog

2011-06-22T03:53:00.000+12:00

Here it is, my second attempt! Be kind :)

perfecto

2011-06-17T16:18:00.000+12:00

Hi, don’t you think it is about time for another real update? I thought of sticking with daily video logs for a change but my brain crashes every time I face the camera. Like I got star struck with the most beautiful angel! Haha. So I guess you all knew I was away for a week, a big family getaway. I can’t find a more a suitable word than ‘PERFECT’ to describe the whole trip. In fact, I was wishing badly that Momsie would actually extend it by a few days more :/ Everyone was fine with it. Even daddy was up for it though.

Then again, I got to get my feet back to the cruel reality. I can’t run away forever. Hiding myself would only worsen things, especially when it concerns feelings of a hundred other humans I love. So right about now, I am back to dealing with school and life problems all over again. Let’s just say I can’t wait for my September trip! Oh that brings me to something else. I used to not know what I want for the near future, like what am I going to pursue after my diploma sort of thing. But now I do, at least I think I do. Hee.

fuckyou

2011-06-05T20:22:00.001+12:00

FINE, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE MALE SPECIES. AT ALL. BUT IT IS CERTAINLY NOT BECAUSE I DIDN’T TRY BUT THEY CHOOSE TO BE EGOISTIC AND SENSITIVE AT TIMES. RIGHT NOW, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOU. THERE YOU GO, I GIVE UP. I KNOW I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO SAID GOODBYE EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT BE THE HARDEST WORD TO SAY. HOWEVER, IT WOULD ONLY MAKE THINGS RIGHT. YOU SEE, A GIRL LIKE ME CAN TURN SIMPLICITY INTO WONDERS. BUT WITH JUST ONE MOVE, I COULD SIMPLY RUIN WHAT WE HAVE TOO. IN TWO WORDS, I AM A “WALKING DISASTER!” IT IS NOT UNKNOWN TO MANY THAT I AM REALLY TEMPERAMENTAL AND UNPREDICTABLE. BUT IF YOU ARE FINE AND DANDY, THEN BACK AT YOU. IF YOU ARE IRKSOME AND NASTY, TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO RETURN THE FAVOUR!

SO I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE.
PAINFUL. POINTLESS. OVERRATED.

first

2011-06-03T23:38:00.001+12:00

Hi, my first VLOG!
Oh and happy 19th @khairiduffel :)

jooooon

2011-06-01T23:08:00.001+12:00

“After a while, you learn that you don’t need anyone else in order to survive. No one is ever going to always be there, no matter what they say or what they promise you. You just got to suck it up, accept it and keep on going on.”

Can you believe it, we are half way through 2011?!! The past 6 months has been a roller coaster ride. I was always left to wonder on my own. And there ever came to a point of time where I drastically stopped and asked “why is everything turning out great when I know it isn’t going to last anyway?” All it took was a meltdown to make me knock myself inside out that I am always the very last one to step out from the past. I never really learn from the first mistake, nor the second or third. It only hit me when I was given my very last chance.

No matter how strong the urge gets, I have to stop myself from running back to the past just because it is familiar. At certain time, I have to remind myself that change is good. It may not be easy but I will be alright. There is no need to rush with things. If it is meant to be, it will happen in the right time, with the right person and for the best reason. Just one concern, I am more careful than ever now that I ran out of words sometimes. I still have yet to figure my boundaries and discover my strength. For now, let nature take its course.

But probably, the most important and significant thing that matter most is I AM A SURVIVOR! I survived what I thought I couldn’t and I overcome what I thought would bring me down. If I can make it out for the past 6 months, I am more than ready to conquer the remaining months left for the year. I have to love the simplest things and be grateful with what I have. No kidding, I tend to ask for more but because I think I do deserve it. But right now, I got to kick out of it. Sometimes less is more, just sometimes I need to restraint and say, "I have enough."

Happy June :)

2 new videos :D

2011-05-29T22:05:00.000+12:00

dbag

2011-05-29T00:38:00.000+12:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It is a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.

hurt

2011-05-22T19:30:00.000+12:00

Uninspired. A mess. Conflicted.

I don't even know exactly how and what I am feeling right now. The truth is, I don't even know where to begin. I am trying so hard not to breakdown lately. But things are getting from bad to worse. I am in no position to voice out my rights anymore. I am in need of a getaway. I wish someone would just kidnap me right now and fly me to a far away destination that is abundantly filled with tranquility, serenity and calmness. I can go mad if things were to just continue going downhill :(

2nd video

2011-05-22T19:21:00.000+12:00

Second attempt in this, tour of my room. Haha. So subscribe to me, favourite and like my videos too. Oh and keep the request coming. I will try my best to fulfill it :) Enjoy!

video

2011-05-17T12:47:00.002+12:00

I have been getting a lot of request and questions on http://www.formspring.me/nurkhairiyaa regarding my everyday or school routine makeup. So here is my rendition. It consists of basic makeup practice and I believe everyone can do it. Sorry for the bad quality. I recorded it through my webcam. Nevertheless, here is my first try. I might do more tutorials depending on the outcome. For now, you can subscribe me, thumbs up and comment on what I can improve on. Enjoy! Oh, and I am no makeup professional. Be kind to me :)

surprise surprise

2011-05-15T00:03:00.001+12:00

Here comes this week’s update. I seriously foresee four updates per month. Haha. So anyway, this week was basically fully spent on school. The whole week was filled with tutorials and final year project. No kidding, I was on mug mode. Thank God I managed to squeeze in fun time on Wednesday by meeting @emysupervain for Ban Mian and Starbucks. While on Friday, met up with my Police boys @khairiduffel and Samir. Oh, here is the exciting part. The boys surprised me with Bali trip on September! I am dreaming about it already. Haha. On the meantime, I am getting pretty excited for my June holiday trip with family too! So now, there are plenty of things to look forward to. I AM FUCKING PUMPED UP FOR EVERYTHING :D

On a side note, happy weekends and love life sweetpea ♥

happy mums day

2011-05-09T00:41:00.000+12:00

Clearly by now you all should know it is close to impossible for me to update every single day. I swear everything is taking up most of my time right now. So, here is what you miss for the week. Hectic school hours, which results to me missing a few lessons :( I got to change fast! And my weekends were filled with buckets filled with smile and laughter. Saturday, went out bowling and dinner with @khairiduffel @emysupervain. We were supposed to catch Fast and Furious 5 but the seats were fully booked. Oh and I get to meet my skater boys after so long. Yea! But it was kind of awkward a little, probably because we haven’t seen each other for quite some time.

As for Sunday, spend my time at home with Mum and Dad in conjunction of Mother’s Day. I would like to take this opportunity to wish her a great Mother’s Day. I know I have been a letdown for a couple of times but I am only human and the only way I get better is to make mistakes. I am sorry if I let you get worried and cry over me all the time. Just so you know, I am determined that one day you would be proud of me. Thank you for always being there, supporting me in whatever I decided to do. You have never failed to provide me with wise advices. I know it is hard to let your only daughter venture out, but trust me in this alright?

To my Mum and all the other mothers out there, we love you and always will ♥

favourite 2

2011-05-02T00:06:00.002+12:00

You found me and I found you in this lovely month of May ♥

Boyf and D were here all along! I didn’t lose them nor did they ever leave me. There were no right or wrong answers. In fact, not a single doubt between us sometimes. Whatever happened in the past, ought to happen. It definitely made us stronger and more matured. Right at this very moment, we are at the stage of picking up the mess and mending what was broken, where honesty and trust play a major role in determining where we stand in each other’s life in the future. Oh, just silly of me to think that they won’t be able to last. Reality check, they might be the only two left in the end. Amin :)

irony

2011-04-28T17:36:00.000+12:00

How is everybody feeling? Coping well with changes? Honestly, I am still trying to adapt to my new environment of school, people and family. School have been taking up my time for the whole weekdays. With classes as early as 8am and ends at only 4pm, I am drained out. I don’t even have time for myself sometimes, let alone friends and family :( I hate feeling out of place. I hope it goes away anytime soon. Apart from that, there were a few surprises lately like my girlfriend dating again, boyf becoming my guy bestfriend, D returning into my arms once again and webcam boy becoming a classmate of mine. Haha. Sometimes, these little changes sets a lot of thrill. I just smile along the way :) Happy days to all of you!

fcuk

2011-04-21T04:08:00.001+12:00

I guess some of you should know by now that I worked at Watson. (Told you that you guys are genius! Haha.) Want to know how long I lasted? TWO FUCKING FREAKING WEEKS ONLY! I won’t be really mean and criticize them but the pace of how they run things there just ain’t to my liking. Oh well, not my loss for sure. As for the time being, I am packed with school. Honestly, I can barely catch my breath. Final Year Project is starting already, in the first week of school! Like woah~ And I have been falling behind from my clique of friends too :( I guess I am still in the midst of adapting to this.

Pray hard for me please, I need it!
Thank you sweetpea :)

no judgement

2011-04-16T19:13:00.001+12:00

Now, tell me when was the last time I have a proper update of my whereabouts? Haha. Honestly, I wouldn’t have any issues sharing a little scope of my daily lives, but only if SOME people don’t twist and turn the stories. I don’t wish to point fingers right now. It is just ain’t my thing to do that. However, I am also not going to just sit silently and watched you bring me down with your stupid meaningless words. This is my space and I deserve your ultimate respect. Let us start with dignity towards each other alright? Are we on this together? :)

Moving on, my school holiday is about to end soon. To be exact, I am starting school on Monday! Can any of you believe it? But I have to definitely say, it has been my most memorable holiday ever. (Family, chalet, parties, boyf, girlfriends!) Next, I was kind of jobless and then employed and jobless and now employed again? Who says working life is damn easy?!! Haha. You know, I have a feeling that all of you probably won’t be interested with any of this. You just want to know who is in and out of my love life, right? Come on, out with it. Haha.

Things don’t always go right the first time. Some of you would have probably found out that I am not dating boyf anymore. (I never did reveal who he exactly is. But some of you are amazing to have figured it out!) But we are still good friends right now, like it has always been. So if you ever see me walking around with him, don’t get the wrong idea alright? With everything that happened lately, I am actually drained out. I would probably give this love game a stop. For the meantime, I want to concentrate on my final year. Really, no kidding.

So how is the three paragraph life story of @nurkhairiya? Oh, I can see a drop with my readers because it is too mundane! Haha. Well whatever it is, take in this feeling because you would probably have to wait a little longer for a post like this to come again. Till then, you might have to give your brain a workout and endure with post that requires you to read between the lines. But I am not going to be surprise if you manage to crack the puzzle even before I reveal it. Trust me, you guys are the most intelligent readers I ever had. No kidding on this too. Haha.

xoxo swetpeas ♥

D

2011-04-14T05:28:00.001+12:00

Have you ever felt afraid to actually open the doors of your past? The past that has hurt you and lead you to misery. The past that left when you began to get too attached for comfort and want to take the next step with them. Without you knowing or prepared, they come knocking on your door at times when you need them the most. It is as if they know we are going through rough patch and we need support from anyone we could get our hands on. At times like this, they are our angels. I would like to call them, our saviour. But will it make things better or is there more down side of it? Ponder on this, they did ever hurt you before.

The man that broke my heart twice has decided to make another comeback.
Should I let him in, for the third time?

chin up

2011-04-11T18:09:00.000+12:00

You will come across so many people in your life. Ones you think will stay in your life, stay with you forever. You come across people you will love very much. But sometimes love isn’t enough to tackle all the obstacles in life and you will have to deal with the heartbreak of knowing that that person you love is gone. You are left alone, to try your very hardest to fall out of love, to do something you never thought you would have to do. Just keep your head held high. Don’t let it get to you, don’t fall apart. Clear your heart and let it go. And when it comes around again, let love in because you never know. It is all about having faith.

I need to get myself settled down all over again. I will be fine. Amin :)

fleeting

2011-04-09T21:09:00.001+12:00

When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks or when a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent. You would think as it’s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. - ‘If You Could See Me Now’, Cecelia Ahern.

I remember not long ago I blogged about an ugly second tiff I had with boyf. And now, I lost the person that brought the widest smiles to my face, which no one else could. Who would have thought with just a blink of an eye, I could lose grip of the person I wanted to have a future with. This isn’t just another story or nightmare I wished to forget. This was a book I wanted to keep on writing for the rest of my life. It doesn’t end here. No, it definitely won't. I will pray and hope that one day we will be bliss, even if we are far from one another. ♥ boyf.

really no kidding

2011-04-07T00:36:00.004+12:00

"you can't lose something you haven't had"

This is by far one hell of a tough Wednesday. It started off rough when I had a tiff with boyf. Our second rough patch and unfortunately, I was still the one who started the fire. It has come to my attention that we are entering our first month now. Eventually, I got too close to comfort and slightly jealous over a few stuff. I tell you, it was damn ugly. We threw fireballs at one another, non-stop and it lasted more than 12 hours! I didn’t had my sleep, I was grumpy but mostly, I was pissed at myself. But thank God, we came out of it as survivors. We are at talking terms now. But @nurkhairiya, take this as a lesson learnt please. He loves you, have faith in him :)

Oh and I got myself a new job. Hee.
Details on that will soon to come.
Till then, goodnight sweetpea!

boyf

2011-04-04T02:28:00.000+12:00

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present”

Saturday night. Sunday morning. This is the best place I would want to ever be in and I wouldn’t ask for more. I love every way of yours. But why do we do things without words of confirmation? Said I am your only one but what happens if you are not mine? Yes, I can feel your affection. But I am just afraid what we have will turn out what we had. I never want to lose you, not yet, not ever. I hope you return that feelings too. There was a fine line between letting go and betraying who I was. You can’t keep steering me wrong anymore. Honestly, I wouldn’t want you in any other way ♥

brouhaha

2011-03-31T19:02:00.000+12:00

It is the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. It is hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It is funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It is crazy when you want to let go but you keep holding on. When you want to move on but you are stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad but all you can do is push them farther and farther away.

It is so hard to think back to how things used to be, look at it now and realize that things are different and they may never be the same. You tell yourself it is not worth it but if it really didn’t matter, you wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about it. Right now, I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. At the very least, I need some hope. And in the absence of hope, I just want to stay in bed all day, do nothing and be no one. This is absolutely no good I tell you. Good things better happen fast before I decide to just let loose and not care anymore!

i love you

2011-03-27T01:11:00.001+11:00

This isn’t for anybody in particular, just whoever is reading this. If you don’t feel loved or if you have been having a rough time with things and you are ready to give up or if you just feel like shit for no reason right now or if your “friends” are treating you like shit, know that there is someone out there who is thinking about you and wants you to be okay. Even if all you want to do is give up or crawl into your bed with the covers pulled over yourself and cry, remember that you aren’t alone even if you feel like you are, you aren’t. Know that if I could be there with you, I would and I would hug you and tell you that it was going to be okay until you believe it.

Because no matter how far-fetched it seems, you will be okay and I hope you chose to stick around long enough for you to see that it is the truth. Remember that I am just a call or text away and it doesn’t matter how late/early it is, I would gladly stay up talking to you until you feel calm enough to sleep. I will always be here and that is not an empty promise. I am never going to leave. People suck a lot and they don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves and they might just get up and leave one day, but I am not going to. I will always, always be here. And you will get through tonight and all of the other shitty nights to come, because everybody has them.

But never forget that someone will always love you, no matter what.
Just thought I should say that :)

first rough patch

2011-03-25T00:22:00.000+11:00

Sometimes it is easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings. Sometimes it is easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. Sometimes it is easier to be numb towards certain people, so I don’t let them get too close. Sometimes I am scared, but when I act numb towards you, it doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means I care too much. I learned a lot this year. I learned that things don’t always turn out the way you planned or the way you think they should. And I have learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I have learned that some broken things stay broken and I have learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you.

virtulips contest

2011-03-24T02:11:00.001+11:00

It is every girl’s dream to be born with flawless skin. We all want to look pretty and stay healthy, don’t we? :) I share the same problem with some of you. I wasn’t born with great skin either. Honestly, don’t be deceived by my photos because makeup does wonder in covering up acne and pimples nowadays. Reality check, facials aren’t exactly that cheap. It could burn a huge hole in your pockets! Therefore, I am hoping to be given an opportunity to win these 3 sessions of Babor Facial. As a reward, I would provide you with pictures and reviews. Probably I would have my own facial product giveaway too :) Hence, go on and like Virtulips and like my post too! Thank you sweet pea ♥

Oh, and you can join Virtulips too. As a Virtulipper, you are qualified to redeem $0 deals of beauty and wellness treatments. You also get real reviews from the trusted beauty community of Virtulippers! So what are you waiting for? Hop on to, Virtulips right now! :)

bless

2011-03-23T02:25:00.001+11:00

Time check, 2:25am.
Hitting the bed soon.
Just a quick update for you avid readers.
If there is any, thank you :)

By now, all of you should know that I am still having my school holidays. Results has been released yesterday but I couldn’t check on it due to some minor disrupt. I shall take a look at it later today and hopefully I didn’t get debarred for any of my papers. Please, I want to proceed to year 3 and get school done! My next news would probably surprise some of you. I am currently jobless. I decided to resign from DIVA accessories since I was getting annoyed with it, so much for lasting a year with them. Haha. I will miss my colleagues for sure. But oh well, I got an interview tomorrow at 11am. Wish me lots of luck :)

And currently, I am spending most of my time with boyf. Sorry, this time round I am playing a different game, keeping things at its minimum. Let us just put it this way, I have known him for quite some time now. We started off as friends. But recently, he has always been by my side every single time. He is probably the type of guy I have been asking for. He has the charm, good with feelings and loves to pamper me. Perhaps even close to perfect? Oh if I am still available at the age of 28 years old, this guy would marry me. In fact, we are both working on the pact right now. With him, I am pretty because I am happy :)

Till the next time, crosses and circles ♥

lazybum

2011-03-21T21:50:00.000+11:00

“Boyf: We are close but this feeling I am having towards you is confusing. I don’t feel weird when I am around you. It is comfortable and I don’t have to try hard to start a conversation. For the record, I enjoy spending my day with you every time. I don’t want to lose what we have either. I like what we have now. Let us take things one step at a time, together. We will know when we are ready”

every 20th

2011-03-20T01:11:00.001+11:00

I am an insensate damsel. I thrive on other’s weaknesses. I won't hide who I really am because I live to satisfy no one else but myself. I choose the souls I let in, I disallow random mortals cross my path. So yes, I am that arrogant and very much egocentric. Still, I am not blind or foolish. I take chances; I take risks with people, with work, with life. I will be polite and gentle when I can, courteous when I need to. I am a firm believer that anything and everything has to meet halfway. If you are fine and dandy, then back at you. But if you are irksome and nasty, trust me when I say I am more than willing to return the favour.

But be prepared, it would only be ten times worse. Hello, I speak for all the lassies here. And it is not unknown to many, that I am really temperamental and very unpredictable. So I have got one heads-up for you; don't think you can fool me. I trust that if you show your intellect, maturity and honesty, I will earnestly keep my ego and pride in my pocket, just to meet you halfway. So let us create a world and then watch how it crumbled. How in one night, everything changed, everything broke. But most importantly, how much we fear rejection, want attention, crave affection and dream of perfection.

Happy 19 years and 1 month to me C:

fiveforty

2011-03-19T03:03:00.001+11:00

There used to be a barrier in between us. An existed restriction wall which stopped us from each other. However recently, that wall tumbles hard. You began to open up. I began to search for comfort in you. The moment we got close, I thought that you were merely filling in the missing gaps. I choose to ignore signs that show possibilities. I choose to fight back when others misunderstood us. I thought you just want to do your part as a good friend. But my predictions were wrong. I knew it was too good to be true. What started off as friends, get so complicated when feelings got involve. This feeling is throbbing me like mad . I am not ready to risk it all.

“If there was this person, hanging from a cliff and you had held of them; if you were their only chance, would you let go? Would you let them drop?”

love air

2011-03-18T01:40:00.001+11:00

I yearn for a simple life.
No dramas, no fights.
Just me, you, family and friends.
And I might just found it all.

Hi love :)

for the first time

2011-03-17T04:00:00.000+11:00

F: Let’s make a pact. If by 28 you are not married, I will marry you.
Happy 20th love ♥

no one waits for you

2011-03-16T03:39:00.001+11:00

Sometimes you know in your heart you love someone, but you have to go away before your head can figure it out.

Have you ever had your first puzzle set? You were so eager to get it fixed, not knowing that the 250+ mini pieces would haunt you badly. In misery, you still got your parents to back you up. What do you know about it back then? You were only a toddler anyway. Your hands are always held up close to a guardian angel all the time. Don’t you wished it would remain the same till death does you apart? No, it does not. Life isn’t happily ever after, golden sunsets and shit like that. It is all about work. The person you love is rarely worthy of how big your love is because no one is worthy of that.

And maybe no one deserves the burden of it either. You will be let down. You will be disappointed. You will have your trust broken and a lot of real sucky days to get by with. You lose more than you win. But you roll up your sleeves and work at everything because that is what growing older is. You have to remain strong for no one else but yourself. In any kind of situation, you just have to do it. Just face the fact and move on. Currently, I am not running away, not entirely. I am just chasing after time. Everything is moving too fast that it needs to stop soon! Let me catch my breathe.

still alive

2011-03-15T17:53:00.001+11:00

I don’t think I am abandoning my blog. I will rant about daily lives here while my tumblr (www.keirakhairiya.tumblr.com) are just for re-posting photos :)

ANYWAY I STILL NEED YOUR VOTE!

1: VISIT
http://www.facebook.com/pages/TheNEXT-Beauty-Icon-Singapore/155059361217399#!/pages/TheNEXT-Beauty-Icon-Singapore/155059361217399.

2: LIKE THE PAGE.

3: THEN LIKE MY PHOTO
http://www.facebook.com/pages/TheNEXT-Beauty-Icon-Singapore/155059361217399#!/photo.php?fbid=156232977766704&set=pu.155059361217399&theater.

AS SIMPLE AS THAT, I APPRECIATE IT AND LOVE YOU ♥

my benjamin

2011-02-15T02:48:00.000+11:00

It is amazing how at one point in our lives we will be extremely close with someone and then later they will become a complete stranger. You will pass by them without a word, without a single acknowledging look. This person, who once knew you so well, who once knew your fears, your desires, your dreams, your past, is now walking right past you, seeing right through you. I know things have changed, in a way I never expected. I hope your life is everything you want it to be and no matter when or how long it has been since we have not spoken, nor how late it is in the night, I am always a phone call, a text, a drive away. I promise you that you will always be my best friend and I am sorry for everything I have ever done but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Cause through everything that happened, it was meant to. And I look of it as a test, a test to see how strong our friendship is. We can make it, I know we can. And just know that no matter what happens in our lives, I will always be here for you.

reality

2011-02-12T03:28:00.002+11:00

Time check, 3:28am and what am I doing? I am still up, on my laptop, song blasting, texting and not even a wink tired. Haha. Honestly, my body clock is not functioning as it should be. I sleep when everyone is awake and I stay up when everyone else is busy snoring. Hence I decided maybe I can just blog in proper. Well, not like I haven’t been doing so all this while. But maybe this time details of my days rather than some stupid wordy post. Agree? But don’t get so excited cause this won’t go for long.

So basically school is going to end soon. I am just left with papers to sit for next week. The truth is, I might get debarred from 3 papers due to poor attendance. Did I instill any sense of worried? I AM DAMN WORRIED :( I actually made an effort to email my facilitators for help. I run out of choices now and all I can do is wait for their reply by Monday! As for work, I have been gone from it for more than a week now and finally heading back. Why do I sense that colleagues are going to give me a cold shoulder later?

Oh because I have caused so much trouble. I have to face them no matter what, the sooner the better. As for family, can I just simply say that they will get disappointed if they knew what I have been up to all this while? I haven’t been showing good examples to my Brother. I haven’t really been doing what my parents hope for. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t try. I did. Just that sometimes, things don’t turn out the way it should be. Like how my love life is. Do I even have one? Apparently yes and sadly it is one-sided.

Tsk @nurkhairiya, why are you such a trouble-maker?!! Once again, you got no point regretting because it is not as if you could turn back time. All you can do is whine and cry all day? You know what; right now you got a lot of dealing to do. First, face up with your problems and no more running away. You can't always run away just because you don't want to accept the hard cold facts of reality. Your problems will eventually catch up with you. Learn to deal with it. You rule your own game. Come on, toughen up!

Goodnight sweetpea.
Happy weekends :)

powerless

2011-02-11T03:51:00.000+11:00

We can’t fast-forward time to know if everything is going to be worth it. So we trust our hearts and hope it turns out right. I want to be strong, by myself. I want to have the courage to walk away from people without a word. I want to walk away like before, knowing so damn well that all I need is to be alone. Sometimes, people bring too many implications and I don’t need them. I want to be brave enough to leave when I want to. And to do that, I need to be independent. Sometimes, being alone makes it so much better.

I am bound to be afraid, like right now.

clueless

2011-02-09T18:26:00.000+11:00

“If you miss me. you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.” — No Strings Attached

Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know exactly what is wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you are alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do just because you want to.

You know what I think we are most afraid of? Not knowing. Not knowing whether it is all really worth it. Not knowing if you should give up or keep fighting. Not knowing why you do the things you do. Not knowing the purpose. Not knowing who you could rely on. Not knowing if things ever will ever fall together. Not knowing has always hurt us, from the very beginning. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait. And this time round, I am sick of waiting because every second spent waiting is a second loss. A precious second.

lately

2011-02-07T19:09:00.002+11:00

Which is worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we have been and what we have overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That is what we like to think. But that is not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again, in a hard way. I spend a lot of time thinking about what could be. Like, if everything worked out and if all my wishes came true. I can picture myself saying all the things I can’t and doing all the things I have always wanted to do.

I think about how different things could be. You know that feeling? That feelings when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it is right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? It has been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas or things or people and we take them for granted and it is usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you have realized how wrong you have been and that you realized how much you need it. I must say though, I have been there done that a lot of times.

Right now, I want to believe that I need you so much.
But I can't.

feux d’artifice

2011-02-03T04:15:00.001+11:00

In every little corner, I see you. In everyone, I see you. In my dreams, I see you. My eye only wants to see you and no one else. I was trapped in a world of my own. It was killing me. I had to take actions. For my own happiness, I had to ease the bitter half of my life. Seeing what happens in front of me determines what you have been hiding from me. It hurts in an instance and ends me up in tears. But ponder on this for awhile, would you rather know the truth and feel crushed or lies just to feel happy? I bet your answer would be the same as mine. If it isn’t, stop living in denial!

I see what actually stood between me and you. It was your playfulness and my eagerness. You still want to have fun while I want to settle down. It wasn't going to work, would it? All this while, I kept my feelings to myself. I was so sure that I could handle them and won’t let myself get affected. But eventually, I broke down inside. I just had to confide the people I trust with all my heart. Believe me honey, let out those burdens. You will feel so fly like a G6 soon after. Haha. I poured out my feelings, all those hard kept feelings.

Now, this would probably be the hardest part in the process because you are going to hear critics and advices from other people. Some of us will disagree with the cold hard facts other people will be throwing on us. But keep this in mind; different people have different points of view. Your main objective here is widening your choices and path. So why not just take it all in? It might be useful in the end. Oh and remember about sharing with the opposite gender? I think some of us may encounter that usually the opposite gender would give a more sensible solution.

Lets just put it in simple equations. Seeing + Talking + Hearing = Bliss! Try it, will do you good :) As for now, I have made up my mind about a few things. In order to be happy, GENUINELY HAPPY, I have to let go of what has been holding me back all this while. Goodbye Audi Benjamin. You played your part so well, a modern Romeo. You came on Cupid’s wings and then you flew away. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget about me, I beg. I’ll remember what you once said, “sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.” I will always love you ♥

no no good

2011-01-31T12:27:00.000+11:00

Reminiscing over the first time I met you, it wasn’t a decent one. (The time, the place, the friends) In fact, you weren’t even mine in the first place. Yes, welcome to my silly life. But still I met you for the second time, still not mine to start off with. We were friends and I was determine we would remain just that. Then for some reason I tripped, like how these things turn out. But what else could go wrong? You weren’t like any other. All the way through, it led me to you. Even everybody knows where this is going except, nobody warned me that I might fall off from the edge of the cliff with no cushion to ease the pain.

I gave you my wish list, hoping that you would take up the challenge and win me over. It definitely felt good but I let you off because the past caught up with me. I don’t blame you for moving on with your life. You found a new fairytale and I had to sob over my own spill milk. 7 months, it took you that long to come back. I am not mad my dear boy. In fact, I am relieved. Even if it took longer than that, I will be happier to wait just so I could have you in my arms all over again. Unfortunately, it still starts off indecent. We were a mess, a mess that everyone wished to mess around with. (I don’t make sense, do I?)

But there it is, nothing makes sense when you are truly in love. It was going on perfectly fine. I am in denial. It was rough. Time, commitments and history seem to play a part in everything we do. We bring it up all the time and doubt brought us apart. However for some reason, I tried to hold on to you tightly because in life, second chances don’t come by easy. I was willing to make use of every opportunity there is just to make up for my mistake. I was so busy telling everyone how good life was now that you returned and I didn’t even notice we skipped a step. A step that was pretty much vital to either bliss or misery.

Status. Yes, till now I am not aware of where I stand in your life. Friend or foe? Love or fling? Precious or crap? I deserve this for not clearing my doubts first before getting too close to comfort. Right now, I can’t avoid this anymore. It is do or die. This ain't just any ordinary heartache. It was beginning to affect everything. My progress throughout the day and how I treated everyone around me. I push them away because I got so engross thinking of you and ways to make this right. Everything that was wrong between you and me, made it feels so right sometimes. I kind of miss that. Oh and I miss you too :(

Judgement Day tomorrow, wish me luck.

breathe me

2011-01-29T18:28:00.000+11:00

Unfortunately right at this very moment, I had to strike out one of my resolution. I have obviously made Mum disappointed today. She was close to tears. I am to blame for everything. I was capable of making her smile so widely but instead, I choose to take the wrong path out. Whatever I had done all this while, I tried to cover them up from her. One lie after another, I thought I would survive. But who would have thought her motherly instinct was so powerful? All this while, she knew what was going on and kept it to herself. Like mother like daughter, we hurt ourselves silently. I'm sorry Mum, I promise I'll make it up to you one day.

back to black

2011-01-29T00:32:00.000+11:00

Happy 1st birthday Siti Nur Sofia ♥

I was in a state of delusional. I was too close for comfort. I was even willing to sacrifice my feelings and console myself just for the better. Just maybe, now it is clear that you don’t need me as much as I do. Everything has been one-sided all this while and I was silly to think that maybe second chances do exists for us. At times like this, I have to face the fact that no matter how much I want things to be the way it is before, I couldn’t change the way my story runs. I have hurt you before and now it is your turn to seek revenge. Retribution this is.

“Honey, I know you are busy. But I have missed you in between my busy days. I hope you take good care of yourself and don’t work too hard. I am here if you need me.” – and only if I have the courage to text this :(

a step at a time

2011-01-24T14:14:00.001+11:00

Everything is moving too fast. I swear many-many :( If you were to ask me what my weeks have been filled with, honestly, I will only remember perhaps 30% of those significant ones. I'm truly sorry. So this week was filled with school, work and time with girlfriends. Well, basically just that, simple yet worthwhile please. Oh now, why did I even think of updating? Should I just close this space down? I doubt I will have anything new to brag about. Urgh, okay this is annoying. Till I got good things to brag about, you won’t see me no more. Oh oh one last thing, I am getting fatter. You all still love me? I so cute for what eh. Hee. Love all of you till eternity!

penny for my thoughts

2011-01-19T23:14:00.001+11:00

Everyday I learn more and more of how flawed I truly am. Even though I love my family and friends more than I could ever express, I can't promise I won't ever do anything that will hurt them. The same goes for them. When their words or actions hurt me, I can't disqualify their love immediately. That is the nature of sin. It doesn't mean we give up on the ones we love and the ones that love us. Love is a battlefield. We don't fall in love with people and come out of it the same person. The ones we love challenge us and make us better. We have to love each other despite it all. Wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure.

when will it be my turn?

2011-01-14T15:05:00.002+11:00

Life has its ways of getting the best of you. For a moment, I thought I had everything I wanted. With additional coated frosting and lovely cherries on top, my life was a delicacy to savor. You know, it was when you thought particular people comes back and never will leave you again or your friends living life luxuriously or perhaps something even better like when your family would fly over the world just because you need a getaway from your very own hometown.

But that is it, your dreams fades and ends there. Reality smacks you that things don’t mean to last long and even if it did, oh what a miracle. Get the picture yet? Everything has a catch in it. There isn’t anyone in this world who lives life happy every single time, without anything that bothers them. Nil I tell you. (Okay, for now I doubt there is. Hee.) Well that isn’t my main point. Just so you all know, there are people who suffer more than you. You are not in this alone.

I am starting to appreciate what life is all about now. (I know I know, I have been saying this almost for the umpteenth time. But I really am.) My happiness is at stake. People are trying to bring me down with lies and being two-faced. Honestly, I abhor whenever it happens. I mean, don’t you? But I get by with it thinking that people are just envy because my life is a step better than theirs, which annoys me because for every smile I carve, I’ll drop a tear.

How long is this going to take me? Only God knows. All I know is this journey isn’t going to be all smooth sailing. But a little bump down the road won’t bring me down. I will persevere through the storm and come out victorious. (Woah, I sound so superhero-ish.) Well, what do you expect from 18 years of living right? Oh which reminds me, hi I’m turning 19th soon please get ready a gift for me. Haha. Alright, till you hear from me again. Love you all :)

forever a part of me

2011-01-10T23:00:00.000+11:00

It has got to my attention that people have doubted me again. Like, have I moved on from my past for real this time? Or am I just good at pretending that every single thing is fine when they are actually not? Let us get this clear. There are some feelings I can’t hide from the crowd. It shows badly that even I can’t pretend to love myself. I just got to face them up instead of pushing it down my throat all at once. People have been throwing pure facts at me and not showing any mercy like I haven’t been hurt enough?

Let us just say that I know; Luqmanulhakim is dating, Nabil is attached, Ryan is attached, Khairulhaziq is dating and people hate me for being so mean to Irfan. But when it comes down to the truth, you guys never knew what happened behind those times. On a good note, I am still friends with all of them even though things end quite rough. And I am ready to take the risk and fall all over again. Oh and do you know something else about me? I am probably the happiest girl tonight because hi baby love, happy 1 week ♥

hi Berlin~

2011-01-09T22:02:00.002+11:00

I got an awesome family, gorgeous girlfriends and a hot lover in my arms.
I am happy at this very moment. God, thank you for the good start of 2011 (:

back to basic

2011-01-07T11:58:00.000+11:00

We were young, wild and bold. We took up every hurdle with pride, overcome them and stood tall. Life was at bliss. But it couldn’t last. Unfortunately, our happiness had to end. We took the risk and now the fall. I had to let you go. It was for our own good, for our future. You went on with your path while I took a toll on mine. You found someone to replace me while I could only dwell on our beautiful memories. 7 months pass, and who would have thought that I have you back in my arms once again? Is this a dream? If it is, I wouldn’t want to wake up. Everything feels so right once again. Everything is falling to its place like before. Audi Benjamin ♥

breakeven

2011-01-05T15:22:00.000+11:00

I hope it’s not too late for my New Year Resolution -
1. Brace myself for what is to come in year 2011
2. Be more independent
3. Carve more smiles on my love ones
4. Most importantly, be wise and happy
5. Oh, no more nonsense please @nurkhairiya!

Year 2010 has been filled with tears most of the time. I cried over the slightest things. I cried when I got dumped, when him him her him her left me and I even cried because I was too happy. Yes, I was that pathetic but at least I learnt along the way. This year, I have vowed to myself to make a difference. I guess everyone had done coming up with their own sets of New Year Resolution by now. Well, mine would be just simple this time round. But even before I strive to aim it, I already have doubt in my own capabilities. Tsk! On a brighter note, Happy 2011 ♥

frowns

2010-12-28T19:30:00.000+11:00

I need to do some ranting, a lot of them actually. Well not that I haven’t been doing it to almost everybody around me but I still just couldn’t accept the fact of my misery. Firstly, someone has been messing around with my name again. What is new you asked? Well, the smudge this time isn’t just a simple one. Playing around with someone’s dignity isn’t a human job. Whoever you are, I hope you get your retribution soon because you are definitely one obnoxious monster who deserved to be kept in the cell forever. Forever I tell you! Just so you know, this one isn’t a I-can-forgive-you kind of thing ):

Next, my working schedule this week is so fucked up! Honestly, I barely have time for myself. I got untrimmed eyebrow, long nails and dry hair ends. I was trying my best to squeeze in a few minutes for love and even for my own family. Yes, that is how my 24 hours isn’t really enough. This week itself I have 4 days of full shift, 2 afternoon shifts and 1 pathetic day off! I think it is about time I take my own initiative to turn down extra hours. I really do pity my colleagues but look at them taking advantages of me. Bear in mind, a part-timer only needs to commit 20 hours per week. Mine is 56 hours this week!

Since tomorrow is my pathetic off day, I shall do what needs to be done like ages ago. I am going to treat myself to some royalty treatment at a beauty parlour. Then probably visit Granny with Mum since movie plans with my boys is postponed yet again. Now, who is harder to handle, the one with a job or those without one? Tsk! But my dear boys, I do miss all of you! And by now, @emysupervain is definitely out of reach from me. B, I miss you already! Why does everyone keep leaving me at the wrong time? Leaving me hanging ): Till then, whatever is planned for me tomorrow better be good. Hais.

loss track of time

2010-12-24T15:19:00.000+11:00

What's the point of having it all without the person you love?
Sometimes you just need to start again in order to fly.

For someone who has kissed a lot of frogs, who has got tons of rubbish experience and denial route, it is only understandable that I take cautious this time round. Accepting you in my life is something I had to prepare for, take risk with and just endure. The thing that ever got me worried was our hectic schedule, soccer and work. But it amazes me when it didn’t got in our way at all. Instead I screwed up yesterday by expressing my feelings, feelings for someone else in the past. And so when I thought we could outwit any obstacles that hit us, I was wrong. The problem lies in me. I am sorry.

Tonight, I am sleeping with a broken heart

sigh of relieve

2010-12-22T00:07:00.000+11:00

Things have been going on almost the way I want it to. It would be ridiculous if everything is so perfect right? So I am learning to deal with all the flaws patiently. I have officially bid farewell to school on Friday. Well not much of a holiday season because I got no overseas plans. Furthermore, I was thrown with assignments to complete in two weeks time. Have mercy on me, please? Next, I have been spending quality time with family. They are just the comfort I need to start and end my day with. In addition to that, my girlfriends have been around lately. Their presence made things even finer!

If my time was not kept busy by all that, I got workloads to worry about. DIVA has always been busy ever since Christmas period. But I am thankful that I am having quite a good bond with my supervisors and colleagues now. Yipee, cheers to that! Oh and not forgetting, loverboy. This might be the first time I am saying this to the public but I am definitely amazed with how strong this love gets, going on strong for 10 months now. But I guess I shouldn’t be too happy just yet because somehow, I foresee some bad times like work and soccer getting in our way. But love, I believe we can overcome this (:

I guess that’s about it.
Love you souls ♥

self-reflection

2010-12-20T00:18:00.001+11:00

I was brought up in a family where my parents taught me that love and hurt happened at the same time. They showed me how mean and vicious people around you can turn out to be. One day they will be your best friend and tomorrow, they will be one fucking mean backstabbing bitch. True when they say life will never be easy; it is just how you make it turn out to be. In my 18 years of life, I have created wonders. I have let people in though I know they bound to leave me one day. I have re-accepted people back in again though I know they never fail to disappoint me over and over again.

But one thing is for sure; many have tried to break the walls within me and failed miserably. I have kept telling people that I am certainly not like any other ordinary girl. I tend to keep things to myself, hoping that I could do this on my own. I rather not be a burden to anyone or should I say that I rather be independent. Sounds like its hard to believe right but if you were to know me well enough, you will agree with every point I have brought up. I never fail to surprise myself every time, even at times like this. Like right now, my mind is in a whirl. Am I really happy with myself? Truly really am?

Happy 18 years and 10 months ♥

die

2010-12-17T15:30:00.001+11:00

I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.

Anyone can touch you, can reach you, can love you, can hurt you, can heal you or leave you. We meet liars, cheaters, deceivers who challenge and thrill us everyday. People always let me down, without fail. In this tug of war, you might always win even when I am right. Maybe I am playing my cards way too safe. But the game is not over until I say it is. Till then, enjoy playing with yourself. But honestly honey, if you have a life you would stop talking about mine. Right now I'm hanging on thin hopes. If I never take this leap of faith, I'll never know.

Sorry I lied.
I am unhappy.

denial

2010-12-14T01:40:00.002+11:00

After quite some time, tonight I miss N, his genuine smile and heart ): I never once regret knowing N though it didn’t work out in the end. And right now, as much as I made myself hate him, as much as other people try to make me despise him, I couldn’t bring myself to do it because he used to bring colours to my life. It’s hard to believe that I actually threw away the thought of him. I made things look simple and happy so that people could see me smiling again. I lied when I said our memories don’t mean a thing anymore. I lied when I said I never think of him, not even once. I lied when I said I have forgotten about him. But one thing is for sure, I am true to myself and determine that I have moved on.

A cup of coke, muffins and Natasha Bedingfield’s song on blast.
I am actually up to no good, some soul searching and reflection tonight.

out of my life

2010-12-10T22:18:00.000+11:00

I am glad we have finally come to a conclusion to end the relationship because I cannot stand how you do not understand me, how long it actually takes for you to truly understand where I am coming from, why I am angry and the issues I have with you. You tell me that I will always see you as the bad guy but there are reasons why my perception of you never changes. You tell me things that eventually lead to another. When you tell me one thing, it jumps until you reach a conclusion like you are satisfied with the story, finally.

Shouldn’t those unnecessary information come after the root of the message in the first place? I do not regret doing anything that hurt you whether physically or emotionally because you deserve it. You are full of bullshit and I will never trust you ever again. This break-up was inevitable whether sooner or later and we both know it. You were just in denial all this while. This definitely comes as a shock for me because you are the least expected person I thought would do this. But hello to the new me. Goodbye to you.

Bye Ryan, for good!

girl like me

2010-12-08T15:48:00.000+11:00

It has definitely struck me recently that people has been assuming that I was pretending to be happy. All claimed that my act was pretence. I was living in denial all this while. Why? Well, simply because I was too happy then before. Let’s think about this for awhile. If I was sad, people would say that I am not looking at the good side, not being positive. And now that I am happy, I was being accused of being a puppet pretending that things were fine. I tell you what, if you have a life, you would stop talking about mine. If you have a heart, you would share my smile and laughter. Right now, nothing else matters but myself. Period.

On a side note, happy 18th Inna Syakinah (:

my girls, now and forever

2010-12-06T23:50:00.000+11:00

E: nurkhai, if you ever get attached, don't leave us please.
P: ya! we only want you as a little sister.
Me: but my time might be a little constraint okay?
E: i don't care. tell your boyfriend that you need to make at least 2 days for us.
P: yes. tell him we still can take care of you no matter what.
Me: me love you two (:

And oh, tonight I miss my boy!

tables turned

2010-12-02T18:40:00.001+11:00

For the time being, I am not being my old-self anymore, in so many ways. I may look like the sweet next door girl that has been living her 18 years of life filled with love and hurt. But no, it is going to be a challenge in pleasing me. I only got myself to rely on in order to avoid any of those heartaches. So this time round, people should really be prepared for the worse when they face the love game with me. Oh no don’t worry, I am still going to be true to myself. Just keep in mind that my game rules have changed and they would be harder this time. The only thing left to do is, ask yourself if you are capable of it. Are you gamed for me?

Oh, hi December :D

dejavu

2010-11-29T14:17:00.000+11:00

I have learnt how precious time is so I am not going to beat about the bush. Here is the thing, I was never good with words and never will be good with it. In fact I ruin things even before I get to enjoy them. I stumble upon you, took on your game, raise things up and we took a big turn. A new chapter that neither you nor I want to plan ahead but instead, we want it to unfold by itself. Remember, it is a WE kind of thing. Not me, not you but we together. You are putting me in a tight spot between how things should be and how I want them to be. It doesn't sound fair anymore, no longer a thrill ride.

It is already hard enough loving someone that feels vulnerable all the time. Let alone this fear of yours, wondering if I would ever return back to one of my past. I thought I have ever made this clear to you that I will never turn back to my history. We had this conversation, didn't we? Remember the night where words matter so much and I cried because of fear that I might get myself hurt? Sorry but I can and no longer have the will to fight with you. I guess I love this bond so much to even cause more harm to it. You and I need space and time alone. You and I need to ponder on this. Sorry love.

colourful characters

2010-11-25T22:39:00.000+11:00

I have been neglecting this space haven’t I? From 19th to 25th, 6 days of abandon. I must have said this for the umpteenth time too but I barely have enough time for myself or others anymore. So pardon me if you seen less of me now. Haha. Life has been good, in fact if it isn’t good, it would be better. I am beginning to go to school often, attending lesson everyday now. I got warning letters about my conduct which got me worried about my GPA. Honestly speaking, I don’t have anything against attending school. Just that I have issues with sleeping now. Can I blame it on insomnia? Hee.

The good news is I managed to squeeze some time on Monday for girlfriends, Emy and Qiu too. They have been spending too much time together. I would not want to be feeling left out right? Haha. The other days would be filled with school and friends. I have seen how much I change being in Polytechnic. It actually helps to open myself up to every new perspective. I know you must be wondering what the fuck am I blabbering about. But I guess it all comes down to who you mix around with, whether you choose the right friends in school. Yes, it changes your whole life so please choose wisely.

Besides that, I have spend more time with family this week too. We had monopoly and television nights all over again, after so long. Oh and I have been receiving 1am in the morning love calls too. Haha. I would love to reveal more on that but I realized that sometimes people gets nasty when they are envy. Yes, I have foes. Don’t you? Oh well, I doubt anyone still read all this though. Then again, all this will be good memories. Okay, I am done. Till my next post, which would probably take another week or so, I would leave you all with plenty of hugs and kisses to spread the love around. Hee (:

Crosses and circles ♥

not so soon

2010-11-19T20:27:00.000+11:00

Boy: We could have been together way before this but I still feel like I am never too good for you.

It was this particular conversation that upsets me. It was this particular topic that made you insecure. It was the day where you finally let out your biggest fear about us. All this while I thought you knew that all I ever wanted was simplicity. I thought you knew I never want a perfect relationship without any love. I want us to go through hard times. I want us to feel the need for one another. I want us to suffer while trying to make things work out between us. You knew all this, way before it got deep. Do not tell me I am going to lose someone yet again? I thought I have found my constant. Now, why are you stepping back?

i always get too close for comfort

2010-11-17T23:28:00.000+11:00

I am in love with him, who took his time to figure me out, who shows concern in ways that I could never think of, who wanted to be the first and the last to text me every day, who feeds me day to night and not worrying of me being fat. I am amaze how we could not lie and hide anything from each other, how we knew what each other feels even before we reveal them, how we outwit not meeting one another often, how you brag about me to your friends, how you stand up for me through all those ugly rumors. Most importantly, I adore how simple our status right now, single and unavailable.

I wonder why feelings come unexpectedly and unwillingly. When we first learn about one another, I honestly did not think you could mean so much to me. June till now, 5 months and you are still standing strong, perhaps stronger than any guy before. There is just something about you that I could not get enough of. There is something about this journey that feels so right and relax. There is something that I hold back on, wanting to unfold it slowly with you. I could have asked for more but with you, I appreciate every single details that enter my life. For now, you have stolen my heart.

rated

2010-11-14T02:39:00.001+11:00

One of the bizarre things about living in this world is that, no matter how foreign the situations we climbed into, we have got to pull out all of our weapons trying to front the battle. There is no other ways as to go about surviving this life. I cannot decide how the journey in my life will enfold. We all have no single idea what is in store for us even. I guess it is nature for us to grieve over sorrows all the time, but for some stupid reason, people just could not face them. We use each other, sometimes, to fill in the large emptiness within our souls just to simply go along with the days. Found the answers, yet? I have.

And at this moment, at this very point of time, though you are undeniably and undeservedly missed, I truly know that you are just like any other. Truly, as I state this point with clear doubts, you would not get to save me. Someone will, but it will never be you.

):

2010-11-11T15:20:00.001+11:00

When do you move on?
You move on when your heart finally understands that yesterday remains yesterday
And it will never be the same again

It is the people you hug and never want to let go. The people you have not seen in years but they have not changed at all. The people who give you more to you than you give to them. The people who truly understand who you are. The people you cry about. The ones you live for. It is the people in your photographs with genuine light shining through their eyes and smile. The people who take your breath away. You know what? It do not make sense why I am so torn apart when you were not even mine in the first place.

never the same again

2010-11-08T01:36:00.001+11:00

L: have you ever imagined how it would be if i didn’t left you?
K: firstly, you got it right by saying you left me. secondly, no i wouldn’t want to imagine because i choose to live for this moment and the moment itself. i am happy, really.

I have been running around all year, just to find absolute clarity. Time takes it all, whether you want it or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away and in the end, there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness. And sometimes, we lose them there again. There is a world out there and I want to be in. I got a life and I am going to live it. Do not tell me the sky is the limit. If you play save, you would not get nowhere. I cannot stay here, when there is a world out there. Feel the rhythm, feel the beat? Where are my party porn stars?

if you have a life, you would stop talking about mine

2010-11-05T00:03:00.000+11:00

I am not sure how I should address this situation. But I am in a position, fighting for my say and rights. A lot has been happening recently, trust me. But the most vicious thing that could happen to me right now is being accused of what I did not even have the guts to do. It amazed me how someone could enter my world just by creating all those fucking bullshit stories, spreads to the crowd and ruin my good books. How blunt words can get nowadays till feelings do not matter anymore. Just maybe this particular guy wants to get all the attention he dies for. But honey, you are doing it all wrong.

Looking at the damages done, I consider myself lucky that there are souls that have a good state of mind and sense of respect, rather than being fooled. In any doubts, please approach me. Thank you. Just when I thought good things are coming along pretty fine, I was wrong. I am who I am with a lot of reasons. I can’t define specifically each and every one of them. But my journey in search for it begins from here. My heritage does not determine my future, so do my past. I did not choose to be where I came from. But my destiny actuates based on where I choose to go from here, how I am getting up there.

You know what; I just want to be happy.
They say happy girls are the prettiest among all.

the more you care, the more you lost

2010-11-03T16:30:00.000+11:00

You know those days that just seem miserable and feel like nothing is going right? You sit in your room, with the door closed, music blasting so you can ignore the world and escape for awhile in a place where everything is okay. You just sit and think about everything. You even make up stupid scenarios in your head and imagine arguments that you know are just waiting to happen, so you prepare what you’re going to say before hand, just in case. As you sit there for hours, you suddenly take a deep breath and soon start to realize even though these horrible things have been happening, for some reason you now seem to feel okay. It’s as if with that one breath, you forced out all your negative energy and are somewhat hopeful. These are the moments where everything feels real. You know that in the end, you’ll get through it though and before you knew it, everything will go back to normal.

Everything will be okay.